ATTENTION
MEN: This article, although the title does state "husband list", can be
just as much for you as it is for women. Just replace "husband list"
with "wife list" and when I refer to qualities that men can have, just
replace it with the female counterpart.
I’m sure many of you are familiar with the concept of making a
“husband list”. That is - making a list of non-negotiable traits and
characteristics that you are looking for in a future husband.
And
no ladies, I’m not talking about “tall, makes six figures, and plays polo on
the weekends”. Do people even really play polo? Is that a thing? Or for those of you who have more of my kind of taste in men it would sound more like "muscular, drives a pick-up truck, and crafts me furniture out of trees using his bare hands on the weekend." But again... that is not what I am talking about.
What I am referring to are meaningful things such as “Is family-oriented, shares my
beliefs, is selfless and loving, is passionate and driven, etc”. Things
that are of actual importance.
I
think that this list can be a great tool and even if we don’t write
it down I’m sure most of us have some version of this in our head. While
these lists can be useful, the problem comes when we obsess over them
and are constantly weighing every guy we come in contact with against them. When we are
judging people instead of getting to know them. And when we insist that
this perfect guy that we think we deserve meets every mark on our list without
taking a second to look at ourselves.
Okay, imagine your perfect man. (Men, imagine your perfect woman)
Go
ahead... really imagine them and all of the details that intermingle
to create their character. Now imagine what this dream person would write
down if they made their own “wife/husband list”. This incredible person
you dreamed up would have pretty high standards, am I right? (Yeah, I know I'm right) And their
list would no doubt reflect those standards. After all, they are pretty
great themselves and would want a partner who demonstrates those same
characteristics.
How
well do you think you would match up against their list? If you are like me
and are wildly flawed (news flash - you are a human, therefore you are), it probably wouldn’t be a 100% match. So then, why do we spend so much time looking at the
flaws in potential mates and so little time looking at our own pitfalls?
Wouldn’t our time be better spent evaluating our own character and
determining where we have room to grow? If we all did so, then our
character would naturally attract the kind of person who would fulfill
our “list”. Think about that for a second.
So,
what do you think you need to work on? Before you focus on making your “husband
list” I want you to sit down and make a “wife list”. What kind of
wife do you want to be? How do you want to love your husband as a wife? Even if you don’t foresee marriage in
your future for a long time - it’s never too soon to start preparing
yourself. Years from now your future spouse will thank you for it!
For
me, it was not so difficult to identify the places I need to grow. After I
spent some time really thinking hard about the kind of relationship I
want to have and the kind of person I want to be in that relationship,
my weaknesses stood out like a sore thumb.(I don't understand that expression...) In the spirit of being
vulnerable I will share part of my list with you so that you can get a
better idea of what I mean.
Fair
warning- most components of my list are rooted in my religious beliefs.
This is because the type of love I want and the way I want my future
marriage to function is largely based upon those beliefs. Your list, while
possibly having similar aspects to mine, should reflect what is most
important to you personally. If you are someone who wouldn’t consider
themselves spiritual and is reading this blog purely for the fitness and
the flourishing components (so glad you’re here!) this is still an
activity that you will very much benefit from!
- Loving unconditionally - even when it doesn’t seem “fair” - not counting who is doing more “loving” actions, constantly giving love and not expecting anything in return, and loving my partner with a grace-filled heart.
- Putting myself in my partner’s shoes - During a fight, really trying to see things from their perspective and working to listen to and understand the points they are making.
- Seeing the best in my partner - Not automatically assuming the worst or that they had hurtful intentions.
- Identifying how my partner best receives love - Show love in the way they best receive it, not always in the way that I best receive it.
- Being patient with my partner -After all, love is patient, love is kind, right?
- Putting selfless love in action - Making sacrifices for my partner and putting them before myself.
- Being completely open and vulnerable with my partner
- Finding the perfect love I want and fulfillment I desire in God, not my partner - The most important one of them all.
How
do we work on these things? By practicing them in everyday life.
By
loving people that are sometimes hard to love.
By being patient with
that co-worker who drives you crazy.
By becoming mindful of your
thoughts and assumptions.
By always serving others in love.
By being
open and vulnerable with friends and mentors.
By working every day to
strengthen your faith.
That is how I am working on my list, at least.
Once you finish your list you can evaluate how to apply those principles
in your life today. It's hard to be mindful of all of these things all of the time and we will fail over and over again but you know what they say - practice makes perfect.
We
can’t control or change other people and we can’t determine when other
people will enter or exit our lives. We can, however, create a change in
ourselves. So instead of daydreaming about your “one true love” or
twiddling your thumbs waiting for them to arrive, focus on making
yourself into the kind of wife (or husband) you want to be - into the
person that the guy who will one day fulfill your “husband list”
deserves.
Sick of me asking you to introspect and then to make some type of list yet? Hope not because we're just getting started! :)
Comment below - What are your important characteristics in a future husband or wife?
